A Dance of Life

Saturday, May 20, 2006

This will be my last blog post for the year.
Reason being that I will be staying at a different house for the months leading up to the A'level examinations, and therefore I will have no access to a computer or possess internet capabilities.

This, inevitably entails me not being able to renew WoW. May my fellow heroes battle on valiantly in my abscence. *fantasy world pwns (takes control and utterly destroys) RL (real life) *nods

I have heard.. a million.. different accounts on the warped concept of love.
Love is a concept. It exists to hurt, to make others envy you, but also to make us stronger.

Love IMO ( in my opinion) is sick and twisted in Singapore. Yes, love makes one stronger, through the encouragement of a partner, the sharing of compassion etc.
In Singapore, however, teenage-romance is glorified. Love as it seems implies status.
It defines one as being a winner or a loser.

Those who wish to stay single find themselves losing friends to obsessive OR nonchalant bfs/gfs (boy/girl friends)

Those who SEEK love are punished. Be kind or nice and the opposite gender will avoid you like the plague. Is it a crime to love? to care?
Apparently so.

I often blamed size discrimination as a reason for my failure where BGRs are concerned. But it cannot be.
I am not bad looking and my size is certainly not repulsive. Most girls choose skinny guys with no butts, little charisma and faces that resemble 46 year olds, be they chinese or malay. But even fat guys and big sized ones get girls.

So the fault lies within me.

Everything I've done and am is wrong in Singaporean eyes.
I have repressed my natural voice to fit into society. My looks are too 'young'.
My big upper frame does not give security, rather it is a social burden, something uncool. My voice 'intimidates' My approach, the way I deal with people... every fibre of my being is wrong it seems.

" don't be so nice to other people... they will take advantage of you.."
"I hope, that when you get yr gf next time, you won't treat everyone else as special as you do her"

My dear, this bespeaks towards a simple social sytemic disfunction in society.
Whenever teachers tell me that they will give me HOURS for CIP (community involvement) I scoff.

Please. If you do not have the compassion to want to help others, and rather you do it because of recognition, please fuck off. I'd rather you stay honest and ignorant.
Altruism, its for the best.
I help cause I know what its like to be alone.
I help cause I was brought up to think of others.
I help... cause I WANT TO.

Then again maybe its not my time??? :P

FFS. (for fuck's sake) WHEN?
I do not want to be 30+ when I tell my first gf "dear... you're my first love.."
I want to swing. I want to enjoy young romance. I want someone to cheirsh, so spend time with. Someone to justify my existence. Someone of the opposite gender to take my loneliness away.

This smacks of desperation. Oh yes, BGRs have been a perennial problem with me, so yea I guess I am desperate.
Couples at shopping malls, lost in their own sacred worlds. It doesn't matter if either partner is abusive, demanding or cheating on the other. The blissful pair makes singlelites envious all around them, makes the singles question why..
why am I alone?

*ick, vomits, eeyuh so despo~~
hahaha, that's probably your respone right? so be it.

I just want to love, and be loved by a girl. Is that a crime?
If I care for you, is that a crime?
If I want to be with you, is that wrong?

All I need is a chance. But yet you must understand, I will not lower myself to like those I do not like. That is only fair. But destiny, fate or whatever God is out there, does not want to grant me this simple request. A gf will motivate me and give me the strength to carry on.

Yet, I have to fight on ALONE for the next 2 and a half years.
The A'levels and NS.
After that, I will travel to Australia to study, even if my A'level results are good.
( a good A'level certificate is merely used to make an NS life not so retarded)

Overseas..
The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side...
but what if its not true..
what if 'skinny propaganda' (social phenomenon that favors the thin superficially)
is equivocally rife overseas? what if love eludes me yet again? add racism to that and the fears are all - too - real.

But yet I must try. as always. to try... and fail.
If I fail... if overseas does not bring the promise of happiness.. then I shall work hard to earn a sum of money ( calculated) to pay my family back.

I can never return their love, their gift of life and memories.
But without love then, when I have tried all avenues.. the loneliness will be too much to take. I will die.

Sincerely,
Mark

The tears I cried today,
virgin drops of my heart's decay.
Alienation is key,
I must do this to be free.
For entrapped on this island that rejects
this soul delves deep and reflects
" I do not know how much of this I can take anymore"

The Winds of Fate Blew on at;
5/20/2006 09:19:00 PM

Monday, May 15, 2006

Note to self:

Snap out of it.

You've been affected since the March hols.

Get over it.

Can't get GF, Epics or a social life.

So? Get with it.

Get with the programme of life or you will really become

A Loser in Real Life and World of Warcraft

The Winds of Fate Blew on at;
5/15/2006 10:36:00 PM

Friday, May 05, 2006

This post is for a certain classmate of mine

Hey man, let me start with I do not hate you contrary to that argument we had last year.
But one thing has not changed. There are certain things that I will never listen to you about.

Change my attitude? You are a fine one to tell me to do that. Change to emulate your supreme arrogance and passive attitude to certain things? sorry can't do that.
Your SA background and confidence may have attracted many girls, but when it gets overbearing, you have unwittingly stepped on many toes.

I do not need re-assurance that I'm a loser and I am not a disillusioned intellectual.
As I said before, if you choose to stay blind to the reality of society and mankind its your wish. Everyday I wish I were skinny. You should understand that.
For to be thin would be to have confidence, opportunity and appreciation. I, myself am guilty towards the prejudice that exists, but at least admit that you are one of us all.

Don't pretend to be blind.

The Winds of Fate Blew on at;
5/05/2006 07:09:00 PM

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

It is a crucial year.
One that determines many of our fates.
What does destiny decree for my class and I?
I have faith in my classmates. All of them.
All of us are capable of good results.
I am capable of 4 A's if I so choose to pursue them.

So what's holding me back?
At a crossroads, with old problems resurfacing... nay not old ones, but nagging, embedded troubles that have plagued me all these years.

On one path: I continue to loathe myself and question my position. I continue to survive on a diet of games, escapism from the harsh realities of life and Singapore.
Self-pity and hatred mixed together in one. I fail my A'levels, go into NS,get a good body, come out and work for 4 years or so to save up enough $ to go overseas.
Result: I'm still single because of Singaporean prejudice and I take an even longer route as usual, and maybe along the line commit suicide.

HAH! suicide. now there's a joke. contemplated writing a suicide note during the entirety of school today, as the question keeps surfacing: " why didn't I just walk out of school today?" Bullshit. I'm weak. no balls to commit suicide I tell you. Where got painless way to die? besides, gotta pay my family back what I owe them, monetary or otherwise. and to cry or die would be allowing singapore more victories.

Path 2: I channel all the hatred. jealousy and anger into energy for studying. This depression may prove to be good after all. It gives me a warped focus. a resigned state of mind that seeks out distractions.

Maybe the trick is to make studying seem enjoyable and distracting.

I pass my A'levels well, go into NS, get a good body, come out and enter a local university where I do not burden my parents financially. I get a degree at a quicker pace, and leave Singapore for good.
mayhaps I'll find my happiness overseas, where peope appreciate me and girls who will like me.
or maybe I'll discover that skinny propaganda exists everywhere else on this planet,
just in varying degrees of severity, Singapore is extreme, and experience a new problem: racism.

Who knows what fate, that fickle bitch, has in store for me.
Is fate enforcing this loneliness and singlehood on me because of my size, my looks, personality or family status?

I think not.

As I watch friends who cherish their ABUSIVE boyfriends, friends who cling onto boyfriends who rarely spend time with them, friends who have hitched up with fat guys with no character or cash, friends who go after guys who have absolutely no facial beauty whatsoever, and friends who go after skinny-fucks of course;
I begin to wonder: "is it my destiny to suffer this loneliness?"

I have to find out.

The Winds of Fate Blew on at;
4/26/2006 01:25:00 PM

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Finally mustered the courage to go watch a movie alone today.
Yet another step to coming to terms with my loneliness.
Perhaps its the overwhelming waves of dejection and depression that have washed over me these past 2 months that made me do it.

Initially it was good. Just some lone parents out with their kids seated around me.
Until they came.

one by one, pairs of couples flooded in.
It started with an AMKSS couple, hot girl + chinese guy, then it repeated itself til' the row next to me and in front of me, and all aroudn the theatre was full of couples.
Thankfully, a mother and her 2 kids were next to me, lest I'd have felt worse.

Ice Age 2 was an ok film. The pre-film adverts were packed full of 3D animated shows... must be because they figured Ice Age 2's audience would predominantl be kids and families. They were wrong.

after the show, walked around abit and took a train home. saw a familiar face from school with her boyfriend, haha if only bertram were there.

I've started questioning my flaws.
is it because of my looks?
my size?
my voice?
my school?
my attitude?
my status?

Everything seems to be wrong with me.
Don't know what the fuck I'm living for, merely out of respect to my parents and to perhaps fulfil a dream for my family and relatives: to enter a university and graduate.
Fuck man, Uni ain't even my dream.

BGrs huh... what is a desire, a neccessity has become an obsession.
it is consuming and self-degrading.
Am I desperate? if so feel free to avoid me, I don't need friends,
I don't need any of you.
all who read this are free to intepret it whatever way u so choose.
Don';t waste your breath asking me to edit it or deleting it.
I'm a fucking loser anyway, sustaining a soul's health in a virtual world.

I need someone to save me.
I need sanctuary.

The Winds of Fate Blew on at;
4/25/2006 06:44:00 PM

Monday, April 24, 2006

The torrential rain is spoiling everyone's mood and plans apparently, and no doubt I feel sympathy for my friends, however walking home this afternoon in the torrential rain was surprisingly refreshing.

The strong wind that hinders your slow progression, the heavy raindrops pelting your skin and clothes. Totally drenched, cold, invigorating sensations awaken your soul as your uniform drags you down futilely. I love the cold.I really do.

The grey sky denotes an ominous message of the existence of a Judgment Day for humankind.

Oh well, on to the post.
Due to requests to change the tone of my blog, I shall start a new chapter :D
I've come to terms with my loneliness and failings as a person. Can't blame society, for I am equivocally blind as those around me.

Thus, I shall start a new chapter. Wanted to do posts on each of my current classmates, for they'll be the ones charging with me towards the A'levels. Since my 'mates have come up with international representations for each of us, I shall do double posts, basically a comparison of a classmate and the country he/she supposedly represents, and at the same time blog about what I feel about each entity.

Here's the list: *in no specific order
Eric Thomas Tan Seng Kiat - China
Inez Maria - Iran
Justina Lee - Japan
Bertram Lee - Britain
Dominic Yeo - Australia
Terrance Ng - Russia
Ailing Sim - USA
Ow Shihong - Switzerland
Lyvia Leong - Taiwan
Gurpreet Kaur - India
Saravanan - Tibet
Sila Gurung - Nepal
Khairuzzaman - Singapore
Farhan - Indonesia
Me - France

* Helmy, Ayu and Hamizah have not received their countries yet lol. I'm sure we'll come up with something.

Expect the first country/classmate soon.

The Winds of Fate Blew on at;
4/24/2006 06:43:00 PM

Friday, April 14, 2006

Signs of Depression:

1) your jeans get tighter as you grow fatter from eating lotsa food
2) you lose the mood to exercise, not that it ever made you feel good before
3) you take out your keys when you reach the atm
4) you play a virtual game which u invest precious time and money in even when the interest wanes, just to achieve escapism
5) your skin condition, especially the facial area starts to degenerate back to a horrid state
6) your results plummet even further, even when they seem incapable of getting any worser
7) you start to lose hair
8) you start to think whether you need a western religion to improve your social life and save your sanity
9) important people start criticising the deterioration of your profficiency in the english language
10) the list of sign continue to grow..

I fucking hate myself. I hate my skin, my body, my attitude, my voice, everything.
learn to love thyself before love finds you? haha sorry.
Love can fuckoff in all its bullshit glory.

The Winds of Fate Blew on at;
4/14/2006 02:37:00 AM